My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
