I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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