Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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