i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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