she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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