I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
