omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
