Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
