I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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