You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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