Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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