so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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