any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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