smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
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you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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