Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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