Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
