Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
