giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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