Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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