The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
