Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
