Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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