6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
