If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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