You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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