You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
