Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
i think i just lost a toe
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
