This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
