I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
