Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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