I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
