I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
