i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Let's get the cat blown out
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
