I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
