you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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