ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
