I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I have so many feelings about this burrito
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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