If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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