Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
