Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
