Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
