I want to stick my p in your. b.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
