if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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