you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
