We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
