i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
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Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
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My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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