if you like me you must not know who I am
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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