just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
