Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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