Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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