if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
