On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
