when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
