Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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