the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
