I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
