Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
