we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
