Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
